"My Empathy Cannot Be Stronger Than My Boundaries" - The Importance of Boundary Setting

Aug 13

5 min read

Updated: 7 hours ago

In therapy, one of the biggest things we will likely mention frequently, or may end up working on in our virtual sessions, is healthy boundary setting. Healthy boundaries are foundational to a healthy life; especially in your relationships – with yourself and with others.

Healthy boundaries are how you build trust, how you protect yourself, how you connect with others, how you honour and meet your needs, how you advocate, how you rest, how you achieve, and on and on.

Porous Boundaries

Some of us have too porous boundaries. As in, we don’t have enough boundaries, and even when we set them, we go back on them. Porous boundaries can look like:

People pleasing
Anxiety
Oversharing
Burnout
Conflict avoidance
Lack of self-worth
High social media consumption
Being unable to leave unhealthy relationships
Giving too many second chances

Rigid Boundaries

Some of us have too rigid boundaries. Ways of being over=protective to where we cannot have true connection, flexibility, or care for others in our life. For example:

Never being vulnerable (without yourself or others)
Only prioritizing your own needs
Refusing to receive help, to help others or to compromise
Cutting people off at the first small sign of something challenging
Always trying to be positive (aka Toxic Positivity)
Strict "Not My Job" Stance
Ghosting Under Stress

Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries are found in secure relationships (both internally and with others). Healthy boundaries create safety and foster respect. They can look like:

Learning how to set a boundary, feeling guilty but knowing it is healthy to set boundaries and speak needs

Being able to say “No”
Respecting others’ “No”
Balanced sharing – connecting with others as trust builds over time
Able to adapt your boundaries depending on the situation, without compromising your overall respect, needs, and well-being
Clear, calm communication about your needs, thoughts, limits, and feelings

"Set Boundaries (Feel Uncomfortable), Find Peace" -

Getting Comfortable with Discomfort

A common book I like to recommend is the book, “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” by Nedra Glover Tawwab. This is an excellent resource. Setting boundaries in the long term does lead to peace. However, one of many I things I appreciate about Nedra’s book is that she normalizes that setting boundaries is often uncomfortable. For all sorts of reasons!

You may not know how to set boundaries, you might be scared of the person you are setting the boundary with, you might care about the other person and feel like you are letting them down, and the list goes on. But remember – just because you feel these uncomfortable feelings doesn’t mean you are wrong for setting the boundary, nor do having those feelings mean you can’t to it. It just means remembering that you can do hard things.

When setting healthy boundaries, you will likely feel things like:

Guilt
Fear
Anxiety
Stress
Anger
Exhausted

But when you’ve been able to set the healthy boundaries, sooner or later in time, you will feel things like:

Safety
Your needs being met
Reduction in anxiety
Less resentment
Joy
Capacity
Confidence

Some people in your life won’t like if you start setting healthy boundaries. In children, stages of development include limit testing. They push the limits to see how much they can get away with, and learn where the safety rails are in their environment. And while it is very healthy for children to learn that they cannot cross every line, they will often put up a fuss when you let them know they’ve gone too far, or when there will be consequences for their actions.

Remember that this can happen with people in your life when you set boundaries – especially if they’ve known you to not set them. While some people will surprise you and be completely respectful of your boundaries, some may get upset at you. In this, it’s good to have support systems that you can talk to, to remind yourself that you are not doing something wrong, this person is just upset. They can help hold you accountable to hold your boundaries and not fold. It’s also not your job to manage other adults' emotions if they don’t like you having healthy boundaries.

“Practice”

Setting boundaries is hard enough, so let's release a bit of pressure from the task. We can sometimes have high expectations of ourselves and feel like we "should" be able to do this, and that there's something wrong with us if we can't. But the good news is that you don't have to be good at it right away, nor does it have to be easy to mean that you did it right.

A helpful framing I like to spin on setting healthy boundaries is that you don’t have to just fully know how to do it right away. Particularly if you weren’t modelled healthy boundary setting growing up, or if you exist in spaces where unhealthy boundaries are normalized. Treat boundary setting like you would any new skill. If you didn’t play a musical instrument and want to learn to play the piano, would you expect yourself to master Mozart right away? No! You’d start practicing by learning the notes and trying a few simple songs. And then play them over and over.

The same goes for boundaries.

Try “practicing” setting boundaries. They can be clunky or lacking confidence. You might apologize when you shouldn’t. And that's all okay - you're just practicing! Start with areas that feel accessible (and even those might feel terrifying). This looks different for everyone.

Setting boundaries is one of the greatest acts of self-care and self-love

Let’s say you constantly work over-time at work. You could try leaving on time even just one day, and see how it feels. If you have dietary issues but often don't speak up for your needs, the next time you go to eat with your friends, try requesting to meet at the restaurant you are able to eat at. If you never let yourself feel uncomfortable emotions and always hyper-fixate on "the positive," let yourself write down one honest uncomfortable or vulnerable emotion and sit with it for 2 minutes. Maybe the next time you could even find a caring person in your life who you could practice sharing that feeling with.

Practicing setting healthy boundaries over time is just like strengthening a muscle - it's uncomfortable at first, but the more it’s used the easier and stronger it will get. Just like that - little by little and discomfort by discomfort - the more confident and strong you will be at setting healthy boundaries.

"My empathy cannot be stronger than my boundaries"

Setting boundaries is one of the kindest things you can do for yourself - and belive it or not, sometimes for others too (even if they don't agree in the moment). For people who are prone to love, care, and have compassion, remember this, "My empathy cannot be stronger than my boundaries." You can care, but if that overrides your own needs, well being, basic respect, and so on, give yourself a hug, and remember to "practice." And on the other side you will start to reap all those wonderful benefits of leading a healthy life with healthy relationships.

If you would like to work on your boundary setting, and/or the challenging relationships you had or have in your life, Online EMDR Therapy is a transformative option:

Free consultations are available here

For those seeking Online Therapy and EMDR Therapy from Ontario, Newfoundland and Labrador, Ireland or the United Kingdom